Talking Shop: My immaculate dream

Gods and Goddesses of all castes and religions blessed on me a vision the other night, as I dreamt the greatest dream of my lifetime. The Big Guns displayed a picture of purity, a beautiful view of a world where all is perfect now, just as we had conceived it to be, before mankind inexorably took on the mantle to bring about change. Well, the change itself has changed, the dream informed me. How so? Well, the world has reverted to The Gods' originally-conceived model and is now pest-, test- and best-free. The only constant is commonality – people have good hearts and humane qualities, free of bestiality and all evils.

What are these changes, you want to know? Well, neighbour Tibet is now free and the Dalai Lama is the chosen ruler, full of compassion and forgiveness, as always. Slightly-faraway Africa is now flourishing and all nations within are eating their version of 'matar paneer' and 'moong daal', or chicken and other fancy meats, given their vegan or otherwise leanings. China and North Korea are democracies, with the only nasty fallout being that China has unseated India as the world's largest democracy. Don't you fret, though… There's good news, in that India and Pakistan have reunited. The borders created in 1947 have been banished, as have been communal tensions. The only problem we face now is that our cricket team has 16 players, for we are too good to be limited to a mere 11.

Elsewhere in the world, love and bonhomie are flourishing, with people embracing one-another and offering free entry to any and everyone, countries having moved beyond visa and such issues. India remains the exception though, since we have introduced a stringent vetting process for those wanting to visit our pristine land. Why is this happening, you ask?

Because India is king

India has changed. Electric cars now cost a pittance and have a range of 4,000 km on one full charge. Those who still drive diesel and petrol vehicles are smiling too as the Indian rupee is stronger than the US dollar. Between this development and thanks to both fuel types being brought under the GST regime, with the entry-level levy of 8 per cent, petrol and diesel are now priced at Rs 4 per liter. Water is more expensive than these fuels, priced at Rs 10 per liter. Even foreign brands have been forced to sell water in India at Rs 10 per liter, and that's in recyclable and bio-degradable bottles.

Thanks to all of the above, our Himalayas are plastic- and litter-free, blooming with flora and fauna, not booming with people. More Indians than foreigners are trekking through our mountains; in fact, we are even exploring the old Silk Route, an adventurer activity that needs robust shoes. This development has seen the resurgence of our very own Bata, which has now overthrown Nike and Adidas as the world's most popular footwear brand.

'Sarson ka tel' (mustard oil) had gone through the roof in price-terms two decades back. That is over now, with Dalda making a comeback of historic proportions and overthrowing the world's once-best Extra Virgin Olive Oils. The bad news is we have to pre-book weeks in advance to get our cooking medium delivered by a drone that descends from the skies onto our front lawn, smiles and says 'Happy Cooking' before it scoots off to its home county. Yes, we have those too now.

Honorifics personified

Our political luminaries and ministers – at the Center and in all 22 Indian states (that's because many have reunited, along the lines of our international model) – are now post-graduates, at the least. None have a criminal record, thanks to a diktat that cracked the whip and sent those who deigned to disobey behind bars. Largely due to this, India is now crime-free, an achievement lauded at all international events, where we don't need interpreters anymore, as all our leaders know many languages, English being the foremost.

Oops, I forgot to inform you that India cracked the whip six years back and forced the G20 to neuter all nuclear devices and send all of the world's radio-active material to Jupiter's five moons. Why Jupiter, why not Mars, you ask? Typical of you, thus I shall exclaim in Chinese, Korean, Afrikaans or Matobon (which are amongst the nine languages that I speak). Well, all the waste is now on Jupiter because over a billion of Earth's people now live on Mars, with India's farmers having successfully turned the once-red planet green.

We don't use Smartphones and televisions anymore; all we do is press a spot on our wrist and an embedded AI (Artificial Intelligence) chip chirps to life, connecting us to the Internet and making crystal-clear Wi-Fi calls on the go. For WhatsApp messages, news and other entertainment needs, we put on our 'Made in India' 3-D glasses and press that AI chip once more – the world appears before our eyes in a jiffy. This works so well that Mark Zuckerberg begged to buy the patent rights, but no, we gave it to him for free, for worldly good.

Damned alarm bell

Screech, Tring Tring, Screech… The damn alarm bell goes off just when the Gods are about to reveal the juiciest parts. I grumble, curse a bit and eventually reach out for the daily 'paper newspaper' while sipping a cup of tea made on my induction plate. Don't blame me, a gas cylinder costs over Rs 1,000, and I do get 200 units of electricity free each month.

I scan the headlines. Ouch, the shameless virus is still here. In fact, it is not just here, it is now dressed up in new colours and clothes, with national numbers running beyond 1,00,000 new cases each day. Experts forecast that we are in for the long haul and can expect two more years of this way of life, with positivity rates breaching the 20-pe-cent mark in some states. On other pages, I find protests on our streets – by doctors, nurses, bank employees, graduates and post-graduates seeking jobs, and farmers. Yes, farmers are protesting again, demanding to know the progress made on the promises the Government dished out while withdrawing the farm bills. I see curfews of all sorts across the country, not just those triggered by the pandemic. The economic slump continues while inflation is ruling the roost.

If wishes were horses

The only thing that marches on unabated in India is rallies for the upcoming assembly election in five states. Hundreds of thousands are gathering in maidans and chaupals to hear the rumble and rhetoric of our chosen leaders, none of whom sport masks or follow COVID protocols. But what's the big deal, for none in the audience are doing so either – made for each other they are. We also have reports of senior leaders being detained on roads and being bodily threatened, with a few barely escaping gruesome death by the skin of their teeth.

Having read half of my 'paper newspaper', I am mentally fatigued and it is not even 7 am. I recline my Easy Boy and hope for some sleep and more dreams, but the Gods refuse to re-appear. My thoughts then turn to something I read about a country called Motoba in Africa, Motobans believe that the only way to end suffering and grief is to save a life. Forgiveness and acceptance, not hatred and revenge, are attributes that shore up our countenance and soul, says Motoba. These thoughts jerk me back to a vastly-more-developed India, where the opposite is happening, with blasphemy and hate speeches ruling the roost, vitiating an already inflamed social and religious ecosystem.

Vengeance is a lazy form of grief, says Motoba. They also have a word I like – 'Kepela' – which means standing on opposite sides of a river. Much of India, sadly, today finds itself in a state of Kepela, staring each other down, waiting for those on the other side to blink. Perhaps we need to lose the stern looks and smile some more. If we learn this lesson, we could perhaps attempt to begin the long walk towards attaining all our immaculate dreams.

The writer is a communications specialist and clinical analyst. Views expressed are personal. narayanyanrajeev2006@gmail.com